I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
