the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
