You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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