come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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