Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
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