Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
