I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
