Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
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