So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
