can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
So vagazzling was a success
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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