got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
