I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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