I want to make a zoo with you.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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