dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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