It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
