Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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