there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
