my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
