I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
My life is pants optional.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
