i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
