You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
