even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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