It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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