everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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