wanna go halves on a baby?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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