I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize