I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
