So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
She told me I should be a condom model.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I can't trust your balls anymore.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
