Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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