If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
