Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
