Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
