I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
