He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
