____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
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