I'm eating all of the evidence.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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