Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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