Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
You're like the curious george of whores
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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