Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
