I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Randomize
