is your mom at the bar?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
