my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
