You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
