you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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