Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize