Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
