it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
