I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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