tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
