Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
