Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
