Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
we're making bets on your personal life
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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