Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
