Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
