i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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