I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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