I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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