I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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