I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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