i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
