Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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