fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Randomize
