where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
