if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
BRING THE BAGELS
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
