I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
